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Thursday, 19 March 2015

Coaches Are Only Human Too

I remember a number of years ago hearing someone, I don’t remember who, say the following:

“You’ll often find people will criticise those personality traits they dislike in another as they are the personality traits they dislike in themselves.”

And likewise those traits they admire in someone else are the ones they admire in themselves, all things in balance.

I was also reminded that all criticism is destructive. There are ways of giving feedback that criticises and leaves the recipient built up rather than put down, it's called the feedback sandwich, a future post will explain.

It wasn't until recently, well the last few years or so that this has really hit home what these meant when I experienced first hand a level of destructive behaviour I'd not experienced before.

You see I had this friend, who appeared judgemental about others, criticising others, regularly saying they were this or they were that and on it went, even people when they didn't really know the person were being criticised.  They were very good at mind reading too, she said this because…….., he did this because they knew it would have this affect one me, I don’t like them because……….. I’ll cover these last few in another post.

And then it turned to me too. Pompous, idiot, unmotivated, lazy, uninspired, pedantic etc. etc. is it any wonder someone lives up to your expectations of them when they face an onslaught of criticism?

Yes I freely admit I can be pompous and pedantic, especially when the words I've used are changed to other words that change the meaning of something I've said, I’m sensing another post is on it’s way.

It was at this point that the phrase came back to me and it really hit home.

You see I understand the English language, and linguistics, however, to look for the meaning behind or in someone’s words is something that took me a very long time to grasp outside of my coaching and NLP work.  Too long to save relationships and some friendships, and this has left me in a very reflective mode, a bit down and looking inwards to find out where I went wrong. So I delved into my shelf development file, that’s the shelf of self development books gathering dust rather than being read and absorbed and learnt from.

On reading some of those books again it dawned on me; this person wasn't only saying those words about me, albeit I was was very unmotivated and uninspired by what was happening for me at the time.

They were actually saying it about themselves and they didn't know it. How do you get through to someone who is closed off and blocks another's point of view as there is only their own?

I had lost my way and lost sight of what was important to me, my values and my goals, I was too entrenched in fighting the good fight to prove I was none of those that I was being labelled, losing the fight, the battle and eventually the war (metaphorically speaking of course). I eventually proved them right because I didn't stay true to me, something that attracted them to me in the first place.

Even us coaches have our down periods, you know, when things aren't going as we would like them to go or had visioned. Coaches are only human too.

So please, keep your mind on your goals, hold yourself true to your values, and decide if a fight is worth having or simply walk away holding your head up and be the better person by not engaging in trench warfare as it felt I did, and still ended up on the losing side.
If you don’t know what your goals or true values are, your coach can always help you find them.

Coaches do not tell you what they are, they have the tools to help you find them for yourselves.

In a future post, I’ll share the invaluable resource I've just discovered that is enabling me to get back on track and be the person I was a few years ago.



Tuesday, 10 February 2015


Words have incredible power in our lives.

For one, they provide us with a vehicle for expressing and sharing our experiences with others. Most of us don’t realize, however, that the words you habitually choose also affect what you experience. Transformational Vocabulary is about how you can take control of your habitual vocabulary to change the quality of your life. Simply by changing your habitual vocabulary—the words you consistently use to describe the emotions of your life—you can instantly change how you think, feel and how you live.

What’s interesting is how two people can experience the exact same sensations differently in their bodies by virtue of the labels they put on the experience. For example, one person may feel “frustrated” while the other just feels “a little confused.” It amounts to a huge difference in the way we feel, and when we change the way we feel, we change the way we behave.

How Many Words in Our Language? How Many Do You Use?

According to Compton’s Encyclopedia, the total number of words in the English language is around 750,000. Of that number, guess how many words we habitually use: 500 to 2,000 at the most, which represents only one half of one percent of the language. In Roget’s Thesaurus there are more than 3,000 words describing various emotions. Of those, there were 1,051 words for positive emotions and 2,286 for negative emotions; roughly twice as many negative words as positive words! Think of the implications.

Consider this example: In a business meeting with two partners, the same event triggered a dramatically different response in each person. The CEO went into an absolute rage, whereas the second partner seemed to have no reaction at all.

The enraged CEO believed that “rage” made him stronger and enabled him to deal with the situation. Rage was his way out of pain. Conversely, the partner who felt only “mildly annoyed” was acting on a belief that getting too upset would make him lose control of the situation, and that would mean too much pain. He wasn't disassociating; he honestly was not feeling the intense anger.

This is the essence of Transformational Vocabulary: the words that we attach to our experience become our experience, regardless of whether it’s objectively accurate or not.
Therefore, if we want to change our lives and our destiny, we need to consciously choose the words we use to describe our emotional states. What would happen if, the next time you were in a situation that used to make you feel angry, instead you felt annoyed? Or if you used a word like “peeved” instead of “enraged” to describe your experience? Maybe instead of feeling “worried,” what if you used the words, “I’m a little concerned,” or “I need some clarification”?

Conversely, if someone asks you how you’re doing, think of the difference between responses like “Oh, I’m okay, I guess” and “I’m feeling on top of the world!” The labels we put on our experience become our experience. Choose your words wisely.

(The above is copied unedited from the Tony Robbins blog – because I couldn't have expressed it any better myself.)

Give it a try; what do you have to lose?

Thursday, 28 August 2014

What are you thinking is what you’ll attract

How many times have you heard this? Do you believe it to be true?

Or to put it another way:

"The mind is everything. What you think you become." - Buddha: was a sage on whose teachings Buddhism was founded

How many times have you got out of bed in the morning and stubbed your toe for example and said to yourself “Oh brilliant, that’s how my day is gonna be is it?” and you dwelled on it, only for things throughout the day to seemingly go awry.

I know this sounds unbelievable, you attracted it!! 

How about someone in your dim and distant past telling you that you would never amount to anything on a reasonably regular basis, how did that pan out?

When I first starting working my way up the career ladder, I had some of my colleagues (who I considered friends) telling me that I’d not talk to them now I was on the way up, this confused me as I was the same person, I just wasn’t satisfied doing the dull job with minimal cranial stimulation and low wages. I knew there was a more stretching role for me and I went for it every time opportunity knocked.

It came true though, not through my actions but through theirs. Whenever I saw them I’d make conversation and be met by many with sneers about how I’d be lowering myself to talk to them, how ridiculous was that?

It took me many years to work out that it was their issue not mine.  Their beliefs became their own self fulfilling promise. Many, in fact nearly all, of them 25 years later were still doing the same jobs.  That is when I worked it out.

What you think you become, when you set yourself low aspirations it’s easy to achieve them much easier than reaching much bigger goals.

What motivates you?

I know this is a typical coaches question, do you know the answer though?

I get a lot of people tell me that they're not motivated by money.  And I’m in no doubt that this may be true for a great many people.  I am going to say right now that I am motivated by money, from the perspective that if I don’t earn some, who is going to pay my bills?  Who is going to pay my rent?  Who is going to pay for the stuff my son needs?

"It's not how much money you make, but how much money you keep, how hard it works for you, and how many generations you keep it for." - Robert Kiyosaki: author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad

You see, and I remember Pete the scrap metal merchant in Quadrophenia saying to the young mod Jim when he showed up at the scrap yard rather than working – “if you don’t work, you don’t get any money, and I like money” probably the most honest thing on celluloid.

I sense a challenge for you, next time you don’t consider yourself motivated by money, when Monday morning comes around, try staying at home, in fact do it for a week, when you don’t get paid for that week, how motivated will you be to go to work the following Monday?  Is for the work you do or is it the reward you get following the work you’ve done?

Now how about if you could do the work once, and get paid over and over for it?  Wouldn’t that be more like it?  Do the work once, and then spend time with your loved ones, go on holiday and when you return there is more in your bank account than when you left, does that appeal?
Well that’s exactly what many people are discovering is possible, if you’d like to join them, chuck your email address and name in the form over to the right and you’ll be sent details of how this can be possible for people like you and me.

Still not motivated by money? Winking smile

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

What goes on inside the mind?

I was prompted to write this hearing the tragic news concerning the apparent suicide of actor and comedian Robin Williams.

On TV and at the movies, you and I saw a happy, successful actor and comedian, but what was his self talk?

It would appear from the various media reports that he had been battling some personal demons.  We never know what is going on inside someone's head.

You see, each and every one of us has an internal voice.  We all have self talk.

Our self talk can be the best thing since the proverbial sliced bread, it can aid us in times of self doubt, your internal voice is the one that says "go on do it, what harm can come of it!".

However there is the opposite, there is the voice of doom, the one that sabotages your confidence, saps you of your 'mojo', keeps you from achieving greatness, greatness in your terms no one else's.

You see, when you lack confidence and the internal voice that gives you self talk fails to big you up, your own expectations drop and therefore when you don't achieve the things you want to, you confirm to yourself the self talk.  Its a self fulfilling prophecy, and so is the alternative.

The alternative confident voice brings on self fulfilling thoughts, which leads to self fulfilling behaviours which can exceed your own expectations.

Sign up to the right of this post and in the series of gifts, you'll receive an ebook containing tips in overcoming self defeating behaviours.

That just leaves me to sign off, nanoo nanoo!!

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

What scares you? Do you have faith?

What scares you from taking that first step towards your goals?

Is fear of success or fear of failure?  Who are you doubting, yourself or those around you, the naysayers?

Do you have faith to keep taking the steps you need to to get where you want to be?

I recently read the following quote and it got me thinking:

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."
- Martin Luther King Jr

I've always tried to live for the moment, and in the moment, and it has cost me dear and I've not reached the goals I set myself.  That also got me thinking; who is going to take care of me when I'm old and grey if I don't continue to do what I need to do to secure my future? 

You? My friends who will also be old and grey?

You see, I'm at that time of life when my son soon won't be "needing" me so much, he's planning to go off to university, he's learning to drive and has purchased his first car.  It'll be me and my lovely partner who'll be here.

So I've resolved to review and reset my goals and go for them, no one else will but me, and I'm doing it on faith, I don't know what's round the corner, I don't know whether I'll get there, but I know that if I don't simply take that step I'll never know and that is my biggest fear, not finding out whether I can.

I'm very fortunate to have some very wise people around me, I have a wise future father-in-law who has an equestrian background, and his favourite saying regarding people in the equestrian world is that "some people know a lot about horses and horse behaviour, but they don't know what they don't know." how true is that about me and you? I don't know what I don't know, but I'm willing to find out what I don't know so I can reach my goals.

I'm doing it on faith that the staircase referred to above will show itself one step at a time as long as I keep taking steps, will you?